i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
