mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
