so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
