Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
