Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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