then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
