She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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