Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
