He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
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when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
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At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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