Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
