ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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