toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
