My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
