Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Let's paint friendship bongs
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
