Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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