I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
So much rum. So many feels.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
