can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
