sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
