it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
