How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
