Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
