I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
i think my cat just said my name.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
