Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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