Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
