you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
