just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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