Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
