I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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