Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
