i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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