after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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