what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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