in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We smell like vodka and hangover
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