to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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