Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
