theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
