I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
