so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
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But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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