The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
