sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
