Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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