so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
