he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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