So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
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Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
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I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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