either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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