Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
