you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
