i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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