Just fell off a train. Bad.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
