i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
