So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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