So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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