I am in a vortex of obligation.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Sober January is a disaster.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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