you would pick up someone in the library
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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