If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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