Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
