ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
